VD

It’s not even 9am and it has started already: I just walked past a coworker’s office and saw a single pink rose lain on his desk. And I have eight more hours of this? Of giggling colleagues receiving overpriced flowers and placing calls to their significant others to gush over the brilliant originality of it all. I may stab someone in the kidneys with a pen.
I hate this day over all the other days. It’s worse than New Years even, and I really despise New Years. But at least on December 31st no one is working and you don’t have to go out and do all the stupid cliché things, you can instead have a dinner party, or make your infinitely patient friends play cards with you in an attempt to make up for all the times your ex told you for the umpteenth time that no, he really didn’t want to play Rummy and no, asking repeatedly was not going to wear him down. See, with Valentine’s Day you don’t have a lot to work with. First of all, all of your non-single friends are busy, so you can’t see them (smug bastards). Secondly, it’s not a stat holiday so it could fall, say, on a Wednesday such as today; what are you going to do on a Wednesday night with the few single friends that you have that aren’t busy? You can’t go out because EVERYONE is going out. And fawning over each other. And touching each other. And looking longingly into each other’s eyes. I had that once. So what to do, what to do? I am having Big D over. We are going to eat sushi and watch Lost. I am going to fawn over Jack and look longingly into his eyes. I think I’m going to order tempura too, because I went to the gym last night.
I’m not bitter. I’ve always hated this day whether I was single or not. I think it rankles me for the same reason that it rankles a lot of people: it’s arbitrary. The only people that really get off on this day are the shareholders of Purdy’s and Hallmark. It’s a made up holiday and the onus is on you to perform. I feel bad for guys because they probably feel an obligation to at least attempt something romantic. And what? Chocolate? A card? Flowers? It’s all blasé and won’t be received well. Jewelry? Do guys secretly expect something from their partners (besides sex)? Are they hankering for a … a screwdriver or a new tie? I got a hairdryer one year. I think all my friends know this story. Michael asked me the other day “yeah I got you a hairdryer, but how often do you use it?”. I had to admit that I did use it every day. It was a useful gift. I needed it and it made more sense that overpriced blooms and carbohydrates. But I wanted more. I always want more. It didn’t even have to cost money. I wanted him to come home early from work or for him to cook me dinner. It could’ve been something simple like him saying “I know I don’t say it often (or ever) but I’m lucky to have you and I love you immeasurably. Let’s make love” versus “wanna have sex?”. Yes I know, one’s relationship shouldn’t be dependent on one shitty, contrived day and yes, it is the little things, the day to day things that make a relationship what it is. On the flip side: that doesn’t mean that you can’t put a little extra effort into it from time to time. Just a brief acknowledgement that it’s V Day. Just a heads up that hey, you’re my girl. Maybe a subway sandwich and some beers. Whatever.
Meh. That’s what chocolate and vibrators are for. Oh, did I just write that? The delete button seems so far away. So from the bottom of my blackened, shriveled heart to yours: Happy Valentine’s Day. I mean it. All you smitten kittens should call your partners at work just to say “I love you”. Wear something sexy to bed. This goes for the women too. Give a massage. Have a bath. Write a corny poem. Here is mine:
Roses are red, profits are down,
Buy some hedgehogs and pass them around,
Violets are blue, I can’t dance,
You’re kinda hot: take off your pants.