Dating at thirty
Last night C came over and, after he inquired about my mental state (having read my blog); I filled him in on the most recent details. Because yes, my friends, the story did not end with me getting baked on a Wednesday night and entertaining fantasies about Doctor Jack. Here is what happened at work on Thursday. I use the term “work” lightly, as most of the day involved me skittering around in a sleep deprived tizzy, and bouncing between M and JupiterGirl for advice (to the point that JupiterGirl asked me “are you bipolar?”).
I had been wondering when B would receive my happiness exercise, which I had mailed to him on Monday. Well, apparently he received it when he got home on Wednesday and then proceeded to email me that he was honored that I had shared it with him. He said that I was an amazing person and that he hoped that he had been able to illuminate that for me, if just a little. I emailed back that I was glad to have gone through the exercise and thanked him for turning me on to it. Then he emailed back that if I ever “need to talk” he’ll “be around”. I was stunned. I mean, the 45 minute date was abysmal, but I felt he was kind of turfing the whole thing pretty quickly. And via email no less. I emailed JupiterGirl that I was shocked, but life would go on and I would just let this fade from the recesses of my mind. It didn’t add up, I was kind of surprised and disappointed, but overall I decided it had been a good first foray into the dating world and I also was able to discover some things about my self. Then I told my coworker M about the “let’s be friends” email. I told him it didn’t add up: B had been very complimentary to me and I thought we had made a connection. M asked me if I wanted to be friends with B and I said I was ambivalent: I have enough friends. He said I should call B on it. I should say that his actions and his words didn’t add up and what was going on. I was mortified, there was no way I was going to talk to B and ask him to tell me why he was choosing to not pursue a relationship. M has reached a point of somewhat enviable apathy in his dating life: he has no fear; he is a straight shooter. He said that I might learn something from B, by B’s response. M said that the best case scenario would be that there had been a miscommunication, and that B was actually interested in me. I said no, he probably thinks I’m ugly. I went back to JupiterGirl who then asked me if I was bipolar. She said (and rightly) who cares what B thinks? Was I to attempt to fix whatever personality flaws that B had deigned so heinous as to render me un-datable? I decided sucks to that, I’m thirty, I am who I am and I am not changing for anyone. You like me or you don’t. Most people don’t. A lot of animals are scared of me too. But I continued to ponder and analyze and assess. What had gone wrong? Had I come on too strong? Did he think I was too juvenile? And yet, he could’ve said no to coming out to see me on Friday night. He could’ve bailed on Saturday and he didn’t. And he was always complimenting me. It didn’t add up, so I emailed him. I confessed that I was a bit confused, and could he help me understand why he was choosing the platonic route. He emailed back that he suspected he had “missed something” and that he thought it was I that had chosen the platonic route. What??!! It was at this point that my day disintegrated in the emotional equivalent of spinning around in circles and arm flapping. I replied that I was sorry if I had given him that impression and that I would like to see him “(for longer than 45 minutes) so that we might discern from whence this miscommunication arose”. Yes, I used the word whence. Pretty amazing given my level of fatigue. Long story short: when he tried to hold my hand on Saturday and I withdrew it, because I felt it was overwhelmingly intense he interpreted that as me physically rejecting him. Coupled with the fact that I am not a warm or approachable person at the best of times (with people that I know and love, no less), he arrived at the conclusion that I was being distant because I wasn’t interested. Excellent. I need to buy M a coffee today for bullying me into doing this.
C asked me what it was like dating at thirty. So far it’s been pretty bumpy. Things are markedly different than they were when I was dating in my early twenties. People have more experience (and baggage) now. I don’t think people are as gravitated towards sex. We’re more tentative. It think we want to get to know each other better because, at thirty, there is a lot more to get to know. We’re more concerned about how established we are, career paths, whether we believe in marriage, want children. At thirty some people already have been married and do have children. It’s more adult. At twenty we were drinking whatever beer was on special that night and rocking out to the house band. Okay, so I still do that now on occasion. But at thirty I prefer to have a nice glass of wine, some good conversation and listen to something I haven’t heard before. I think that is a good analogy of dating at thirty: it’s different, it’s more sophisticated, but it fits. Unfortunately, I’m still working on the sophistication bit…
I had been wondering when B would receive my happiness exercise, which I had mailed to him on Monday. Well, apparently he received it when he got home on Wednesday and then proceeded to email me that he was honored that I had shared it with him. He said that I was an amazing person and that he hoped that he had been able to illuminate that for me, if just a little. I emailed back that I was glad to have gone through the exercise and thanked him for turning me on to it. Then he emailed back that if I ever “need to talk” he’ll “be around”. I was stunned. I mean, the 45 minute date was abysmal, but I felt he was kind of turfing the whole thing pretty quickly. And via email no less. I emailed JupiterGirl that I was shocked, but life would go on and I would just let this fade from the recesses of my mind. It didn’t add up, I was kind of surprised and disappointed, but overall I decided it had been a good first foray into the dating world and I also was able to discover some things about my self. Then I told my coworker M about the “let’s be friends” email. I told him it didn’t add up: B had been very complimentary to me and I thought we had made a connection. M asked me if I wanted to be friends with B and I said I was ambivalent: I have enough friends. He said I should call B on it. I should say that his actions and his words didn’t add up and what was going on. I was mortified, there was no way I was going to talk to B and ask him to tell me why he was choosing to not pursue a relationship. M has reached a point of somewhat enviable apathy in his dating life: he has no fear; he is a straight shooter. He said that I might learn something from B, by B’s response. M said that the best case scenario would be that there had been a miscommunication, and that B was actually interested in me. I said no, he probably thinks I’m ugly. I went back to JupiterGirl who then asked me if I was bipolar. She said (and rightly) who cares what B thinks? Was I to attempt to fix whatever personality flaws that B had deigned so heinous as to render me un-datable? I decided sucks to that, I’m thirty, I am who I am and I am not changing for anyone. You like me or you don’t. Most people don’t. A lot of animals are scared of me too. But I continued to ponder and analyze and assess. What had gone wrong? Had I come on too strong? Did he think I was too juvenile? And yet, he could’ve said no to coming out to see me on Friday night. He could’ve bailed on Saturday and he didn’t. And he was always complimenting me. It didn’t add up, so I emailed him. I confessed that I was a bit confused, and could he help me understand why he was choosing the platonic route. He emailed back that he suspected he had “missed something” and that he thought it was I that had chosen the platonic route. What??!! It was at this point that my day disintegrated in the emotional equivalent of spinning around in circles and arm flapping. I replied that I was sorry if I had given him that impression and that I would like to see him “(for longer than 45 minutes) so that we might discern from whence this miscommunication arose”. Yes, I used the word whence. Pretty amazing given my level of fatigue. Long story short: when he tried to hold my hand on Saturday and I withdrew it, because I felt it was overwhelmingly intense he interpreted that as me physically rejecting him. Coupled with the fact that I am not a warm or approachable person at the best of times (with people that I know and love, no less), he arrived at the conclusion that I was being distant because I wasn’t interested. Excellent. I need to buy M a coffee today for bullying me into doing this.
C asked me what it was like dating at thirty. So far it’s been pretty bumpy. Things are markedly different than they were when I was dating in my early twenties. People have more experience (and baggage) now. I don’t think people are as gravitated towards sex. We’re more tentative. It think we want to get to know each other better because, at thirty, there is a lot more to get to know. We’re more concerned about how established we are, career paths, whether we believe in marriage, want children. At thirty some people already have been married and do have children. It’s more adult. At twenty we were drinking whatever beer was on special that night and rocking out to the house band. Okay, so I still do that now on occasion. But at thirty I prefer to have a nice glass of wine, some good conversation and listen to something I haven’t heard before. I think that is a good analogy of dating at thirty: it’s different, it’s more sophisticated, but it fits. Unfortunately, I’m still working on the sophistication bit…
posted by Duder at 11:07 AM
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