Peachy
I went to the gym last night, to perpetuate the myth of a svelte physique, and saw several of the regulars there. I will take a moment to tell you about the regulars because they are quite blogworthy. I will also tell you their backstories, which I have completed fabricated and are fun to contemplate whilst trying not to get thrown off the treadmill (which I have seen happen, and it is not pretty).
There is "the guy in black": he drives a BMW (this is true) and is always dressed in black when he works out. He has black hair and by the time he makes it to the gym he has a five o'clock shadow going on. He never smiles, he runs really fast and he looks intense. I think he has a very stressful job even though he is only 34, and makes a lot of money. He doesn't have time for chit chat, he simply needs to burn off all the pent up stress to avoid having a heart attack at 36. Plus, he would think that everything you have to say is stupid. He's pretty hot.
"Xena" is a larger gal. She has nice, long brown hair. I underestimated her the first time I saw her: this lady kicks ass. She works out so hard she gets a sheen of sweat on her arms even. Yesterday I noticed she had a tattoo that wrapped around her upper arm. I think at one point she was a bit of skid, maybe got into some illegal substances, had a jerkoff boyfriend that thought he was the shit because he drove a Camaro that was covered in primer cause he couldn't afford to get a decent paint job yet. Something made her change. I don't think it was love. I think she got caught with a hot t.v. or Camaro boy took all her money and she realized she was getting too old for this shit. So she is now training to be an RN at VGH and needs to get in better shape to make her rounds more efficiently. The intensity of her workouts stem from her anger over Camaro boy.
Finally there is "crazy guy". He is just a bowl full of wrong. He is perpetually tanned and his brittle, wispy hair is yellow. He would be tall if he stood up straight, but he hunches over and walks like a praying mantis. He reeks of garlic, which makes working out next to him super enjoyable. But the characteristics that makes him totally bizarre relate to his work out habits. The lat pulldown? He doesn't pull it down with his arms. No, that would be the right way to do it. Instead, he leans all the way back, keeping his arms straight, until the back of his head touches the floor. Giant balls used for core workouts he uses as basketballs. Buddy, the gym isn't so big that you can run around like some retarded Globetrotter, bouncing your giant purple ball. Which is also noisy. The best is the medicine ball, I think. In order to.... something, he lies on his back and drops the medicine ball repeatedly onto his stomach. I think he is damaging his internal organs. His backstory? His parents owned a garlic farm, and they kept him locked up in a cage until he was fifteen. They should come and collect them. But he likely killed them years ago and ate their faces.
But now, let us get to the allure of the ass. There is another girl that I have seen there often. She is probably mid-twenties, looks vaguely eastern European. She has long brown hair and is quite attractive. The thing that you can't help but focus on, though, is her derriere. See, she wears tight togs (not unlike me), but I don't think she is wearing any underwear (or maybe a micro g-string). They kind of ride right up there and disappear. It looks uncomfortable. I often squirm, and read adjust my own granny panties just looking at her. She also has the J. Lo thing going on: this is no small ass. It is like a giant peach. I would use the term luscious to describe it. I don't think she is trying to minimize it, either. She works out pretty hard, but I think that not only is she happy with her ass, she would like you to be happy with her ass too. In my near 30 years on this earth I have never seen such a bum. It's hypnotic. It's a size or two too large to be fashionable (in that we currently seem to think that being a size 2 is fashionable, and fainting from hunger is cool), and yet I believe it is perfect. A thing to be revered. Something that is owed a moment of silent contemplation, like Matthew Fox and his ripped triceps. Love the tricep. Anyways, if I am walking into gym equipment while trying to maintain my boyish figure, surely men are having rabid fantasies about this after they see her. I bet that drop ins at the gym have increased significantly since she has shown up. No one even gives me a second glance anymore and they say things like "are you done with the pec fly, man?" and I mutter, "uh, I'm a girl".
I'm not really sure what my point is. I don't ever want to be the person that says women should or shouldn't wear something. If you've got it, flaunt it. If she is using her gluteus maximus to pick up men she will definitely succeed. Yeah, I really don't have a point. I've just spent a long time describing some anonymous girl's behind on my blog. Right. So anyways, I think I'll go have some coffee.
There is "the guy in black": he drives a BMW (this is true) and is always dressed in black when he works out. He has black hair and by the time he makes it to the gym he has a five o'clock shadow going on. He never smiles, he runs really fast and he looks intense. I think he has a very stressful job even though he is only 34, and makes a lot of money. He doesn't have time for chit chat, he simply needs to burn off all the pent up stress to avoid having a heart attack at 36. Plus, he would think that everything you have to say is stupid. He's pretty hot.
"Xena" is a larger gal. She has nice, long brown hair. I underestimated her the first time I saw her: this lady kicks ass. She works out so hard she gets a sheen of sweat on her arms even. Yesterday I noticed she had a tattoo that wrapped around her upper arm. I think at one point she was a bit of skid, maybe got into some illegal substances, had a jerkoff boyfriend that thought he was the shit because he drove a Camaro that was covered in primer cause he couldn't afford to get a decent paint job yet. Something made her change. I don't think it was love. I think she got caught with a hot t.v. or Camaro boy took all her money and she realized she was getting too old for this shit. So she is now training to be an RN at VGH and needs to get in better shape to make her rounds more efficiently. The intensity of her workouts stem from her anger over Camaro boy.
Finally there is "crazy guy". He is just a bowl full of wrong. He is perpetually tanned and his brittle, wispy hair is yellow. He would be tall if he stood up straight, but he hunches over and walks like a praying mantis. He reeks of garlic, which makes working out next to him super enjoyable. But the characteristics that makes him totally bizarre relate to his work out habits. The lat pulldown? He doesn't pull it down with his arms. No, that would be the right way to do it. Instead, he leans all the way back, keeping his arms straight, until the back of his head touches the floor. Giant balls used for core workouts he uses as basketballs. Buddy, the gym isn't so big that you can run around like some retarded Globetrotter, bouncing your giant purple ball. Which is also noisy. The best is the medicine ball, I think. In order to.... something, he lies on his back and drops the medicine ball repeatedly onto his stomach. I think he is damaging his internal organs. His backstory? His parents owned a garlic farm, and they kept him locked up in a cage until he was fifteen. They should come and collect them. But he likely killed them years ago and ate their faces.
But now, let us get to the allure of the ass. There is another girl that I have seen there often. She is probably mid-twenties, looks vaguely eastern European. She has long brown hair and is quite attractive. The thing that you can't help but focus on, though, is her derriere. See, she wears tight togs (not unlike me), but I don't think she is wearing any underwear (or maybe a micro g-string). They kind of ride right up there and disappear. It looks uncomfortable. I often squirm, and read adjust my own granny panties just looking at her. She also has the J. Lo thing going on: this is no small ass. It is like a giant peach. I would use the term luscious to describe it. I don't think she is trying to minimize it, either. She works out pretty hard, but I think that not only is she happy with her ass, she would like you to be happy with her ass too. In my near 30 years on this earth I have never seen such a bum. It's hypnotic. It's a size or two too large to be fashionable (in that we currently seem to think that being a size 2 is fashionable, and fainting from hunger is cool), and yet I believe it is perfect. A thing to be revered. Something that is owed a moment of silent contemplation, like Matthew Fox and his ripped triceps. Love the tricep. Anyways, if I am walking into gym equipment while trying to maintain my boyish figure, surely men are having rabid fantasies about this after they see her. I bet that drop ins at the gym have increased significantly since she has shown up. No one even gives me a second glance anymore and they say things like "are you done with the pec fly, man?" and I mutter, "uh, I'm a girl".
I'm not really sure what my point is. I don't ever want to be the person that says women should or shouldn't wear something. If you've got it, flaunt it. If she is using her gluteus maximus to pick up men she will definitely succeed. Yeah, I really don't have a point. I've just spent a long time describing some anonymous girl's behind on my blog. Right. So anyways, I think I'll go have some coffee.
posted by Duder at 10:02 AM
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