Why I am going to hell
After slogging through another day at work yesterday I caught the bus home, having to listen to the booming baritone voice of a staunch pot advocate drone on and on from the downtown core all the way to Kerrisdale. Hey, pot is fun and I like it, but he was one of those guys, you know? Who is equipped with stupid one liners that he thinks are funny but are, in fact, nauseatingly stupid. Who, upon noticing a couple of transit riders chuckling at some inane thing he had said decides that he has the undivided attention of everyone on the bus which encourages him to expel greater and greater amounts of verbal diarrhea. Who has that condescending tone that veritably screams "because I am speaking to you in the same manner to which I would address a five year old, I must be correct". At any rate, I don't think I want to smoke pot anymore. But that's not why I am going to hell.
While waiting for the light to change to cross over to my street, a guy came over and did the several rapid jabs of the pedestrian crossing button which, admittedly, I do too, but because I was tired it pissed me off. Like what, you think I'm just standing, facing the horrendous traffic on one of the busiest roads in Vancouver for fun? Of course I pressed the button. Ass. As he was furiously working the little button I noticed (per the lettering on the back of his jacket) that he worked for one of the local community security patrol companies. I say one of them, because we have two. Yes. Welcome to Kerrisdale where, if you see something remotely suspicious (like someone driving a car that is more than five years old and/or is domestic) you can call the cops, they'll be there in three minutes to check it out, and then they'll make you a cup of hot tea to sooth you. So then he starts chatting me up about the weather, the moon, and the kids having a nice night to go trick or treating, as we're walking across the street (surely his rapid fire manipulation of the button was the main reason the light had changed). I had the oddest feeling that I was being escorted across the street. Then he said something like "have fun" or "have a good one". I would do well in New York. Friendly people freak me out. Oh, but the friendliness was about to get so much worse.
Trudging up to my apartment I see something hanging from the doorknob. Curious, I look closer expecting: a dead animal; a death threat; a subpoena. No. It is candy. I have been warned against taking candy from strangers, but no one ever said anything about not taking candy from a doorknob. But who could it be from? Plucking it off the knob I see it is from our next door neighbors. Yes, the lovely young couple with a baby that moved in at least six months ago. Yep, the friendly looking couple that I've said hi to a couple of times, with the baby that never makes a peep that I never introduced myself to or invited over for a drink or said, hey, welcome to the building. And they're giving me candy. And then, to drive the point home about what a jerk of a neighbor I am: another resident of the building has brought her toddler, now replete and overheating in a dog or bear costume who totally does not have any clue what is going on, and is knocking on my neighbor's door so her toddler can trick or treat. Clearly they know each other and are friendly. I am a bad person. Before my neighbor can open the door and fawn over the pressure-cooked toddler I open my door, whip inside, and start to eat my candy furtively, in the dark.
While waiting for the light to change to cross over to my street, a guy came over and did the several rapid jabs of the pedestrian crossing button which, admittedly, I do too, but because I was tired it pissed me off. Like what, you think I'm just standing, facing the horrendous traffic on one of the busiest roads in Vancouver for fun? Of course I pressed the button. Ass. As he was furiously working the little button I noticed (per the lettering on the back of his jacket) that he worked for one of the local community security patrol companies. I say one of them, because we have two. Yes. Welcome to Kerrisdale where, if you see something remotely suspicious (like someone driving a car that is more than five years old and/or is domestic) you can call the cops, they'll be there in three minutes to check it out, and then they'll make you a cup of hot tea to sooth you. So then he starts chatting me up about the weather, the moon, and the kids having a nice night to go trick or treating, as we're walking across the street (surely his rapid fire manipulation of the button was the main reason the light had changed). I had the oddest feeling that I was being escorted across the street. Then he said something like "have fun" or "have a good one". I would do well in New York. Friendly people freak me out. Oh, but the friendliness was about to get so much worse.
Trudging up to my apartment I see something hanging from the doorknob. Curious, I look closer expecting: a dead animal; a death threat; a subpoena. No. It is candy. I have been warned against taking candy from strangers, but no one ever said anything about not taking candy from a doorknob. But who could it be from? Plucking it off the knob I see it is from our next door neighbors. Yes, the lovely young couple with a baby that moved in at least six months ago. Yep, the friendly looking couple that I've said hi to a couple of times, with the baby that never makes a peep that I never introduced myself to or invited over for a drink or said, hey, welcome to the building. And they're giving me candy. And then, to drive the point home about what a jerk of a neighbor I am: another resident of the building has brought her toddler, now replete and overheating in a dog or bear costume who totally does not have any clue what is going on, and is knocking on my neighbor's door so her toddler can trick or treat. Clearly they know each other and are friendly. I am a bad person. Before my neighbor can open the door and fawn over the pressure-cooked toddler I open my door, whip inside, and start to eat my candy furtively, in the dark.
posted by Duder at 9:00 AM
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