Oh yeah!
There was this other thing that happened on Wednesday night (after I got in my 8k at the gym): I met up with B for drinks. I had to scroll through my blog to see when I last mentioned him - looks like April. To recap quickly, B was the first guy I dated after Michael and I broke up. Initially I was totally enthralled with him, I thought he was so smart, self-assured and sexy. Then the phone calls became intermittent, dates were cancelled and yet still I allowed myself to be strung along. Ultimately he screwed off one weekend to San Francisco (we had had plans to get together on the Sunday I think) without telling me. So I felt like a loser since my phone calls and emails weren't being returned. He came back and I just wanted to end it, but he had my glasses. I got my glasses back and he convinced me to stay. Doormat, much? I will say that when we were together it was always a really enjoyable time. So I allowed myself to be convinced. Shortly thereafter I received and email that he was in Puerto Vallarta. I believe the opening line to the email was "I really, really suck". No kidding. So that's what happened, except recently he has come back to Vancouver. He has a good paying job, landed an apartment and wanted to get together for drinks. Absolutely.
I like Sex and the City. There was an episode where Carrie bought a dress that, when she wore, her friends referred to her as "sex in a dress" or something to that effect. I went out and bought one. I'm fit. I have a nice tan. I showed up for drinks late, effecting an air of nonchalance while looking like a million bucks. It was a good feeling. He liked the dress. He liked the leather bracelet that I had picked up in Victoria (and felt compelled to touch my arm as he fondled it). He noted my tan. And felt compelled to touch my shoulder and he observed my new found skin tone.
We caught up. He explained what he had been up to the past few months. He referred to himself as a "heel" a few times. He alluded to the fact that the last time we had been at Caffe Barney we had gone home together. I smiled wanly, and asked him for more riveting information about his life. He bought drinks. We walked down to Starbucks and grabbed a coffee and then he walked me to my car. I said I had one question for him: why, when his life had been falling down around his ears earlier in the year, had he thought it was a good idea to have a relationship on the go? He told me that he had kept expecting things to get better.
I got to my car, offered him a ride and he declined. He said he would really like to see me again. I asked why. He said for the scintillating conversation, of course. I put my coffee on the roof of my car, walked over and kissed him. Then I said goodbye, climbed in my car and drove away.
The next day I received my daily "good morning" email from him. He said it was nice to see me and that he had had a good time and wanted to see me again. He said, again, that he felt like a heel for his behaviour earlier in the year.
I thought about it for quite a while. He had never apologized for his behaviour. I don't think referring to yourself as "a heel" or saying "I suck" constitutes an apology. And the comment that he had made regarding why he had deigned it a good idea to have a relationship when he hated his job, didn't have any money and was getting kicked out of his apartment was lame. He thought things would get better? It was an utterly selfish comment to make. What about the other person into whose life chaos was being introduced? It reminded me of what I did to H: I had a relationship with him at a time when I wasn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone. It wasn't fair to H, it wasted his time and it hurt him. I apologized to him several times for it, and he doesn't wish to talk to me anymore. I understand and accept that.
So I responded to B's email. I told him that yes, he had been a heel and that the reasons surrounding his treatment of me didn't excuse that fact. I admitted, though, that I knew what it was like to be unable to commit to a relationship, ultimately stringing someone along and hurting them in the end, and that I had struggled to forgive myself for my behaviour. I told him that I now aspire to the quote "let no one ever come to you without leaving happier". I said that I did believe that he was a good person, and that he had gone through a very bad time. Obviously the email was a bit longer and more detailed, but the gist was that yeah, he was a jerk, but I'm not perfect, I've made peace with the past, I've learned from it and because of it I'm trying to be a better, more empathetic person.
He replied that my email was quite "thought provoking". He seemed miffed. I realize that perhaps one of the characteristics about me that he enjoyed in the spring was my inability to stand up for myself. I had some self esteem issues. I still do, but they're a lot better. I pushed back in that email. I think he was of the impression that he could come back, tell me he had his life sorted, refer to himself as a heel, buy me a couple of glasses of wine and all would be good. And maybe if had sincerely apologized and taken responsibility for his actions towards me instead of blaming it on his circumstances, and had indicated that he had learned from his errors it would all be good. But he still has some learning to do.
This morning I did not get my daily "good morning" email. I think I have offended him. Wow, I wonder what would happen if I just, I don' t know, dated him for a month and then just left the country arbitrarily.
In other news that matters: saw the Hip last night with Michael! Had the best time. They put on a great show, the music was fantastic. I'm so glad I went. Gord Downie has quite a dramatic on-stage personality. They played hard and loud and it was awesome! It was good to spend time with Michael (as always). I think he enjoyed it too.
On the way home I stopped off at the7/11 for a drumstick. I have lived here for 6 years and I have never been inside that 7/11 that I recall. I don't think that the fact that GM Place was essentially entirely hotboxed had anything to do with my 11:30pm ice cream purchase. Not at all.
I like Sex and the City. There was an episode where Carrie bought a dress that, when she wore, her friends referred to her as "sex in a dress" or something to that effect. I went out and bought one. I'm fit. I have a nice tan. I showed up for drinks late, effecting an air of nonchalance while looking like a million bucks. It was a good feeling. He liked the dress. He liked the leather bracelet that I had picked up in Victoria (and felt compelled to touch my arm as he fondled it). He noted my tan. And felt compelled to touch my shoulder and he observed my new found skin tone.
We caught up. He explained what he had been up to the past few months. He referred to himself as a "heel" a few times. He alluded to the fact that the last time we had been at Caffe Barney we had gone home together. I smiled wanly, and asked him for more riveting information about his life. He bought drinks. We walked down to Starbucks and grabbed a coffee and then he walked me to my car. I said I had one question for him: why, when his life had been falling down around his ears earlier in the year, had he thought it was a good idea to have a relationship on the go? He told me that he had kept expecting things to get better.
I got to my car, offered him a ride and he declined. He said he would really like to see me again. I asked why. He said for the scintillating conversation, of course. I put my coffee on the roof of my car, walked over and kissed him. Then I said goodbye, climbed in my car and drove away.
The next day I received my daily "good morning" email from him. He said it was nice to see me and that he had had a good time and wanted to see me again. He said, again, that he felt like a heel for his behaviour earlier in the year.
I thought about it for quite a while. He had never apologized for his behaviour. I don't think referring to yourself as "a heel" or saying "I suck" constitutes an apology. And the comment that he had made regarding why he had deigned it a good idea to have a relationship when he hated his job, didn't have any money and was getting kicked out of his apartment was lame. He thought things would get better? It was an utterly selfish comment to make. What about the other person into whose life chaos was being introduced? It reminded me of what I did to H: I had a relationship with him at a time when I wasn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone. It wasn't fair to H, it wasted his time and it hurt him. I apologized to him several times for it, and he doesn't wish to talk to me anymore. I understand and accept that.
So I responded to B's email. I told him that yes, he had been a heel and that the reasons surrounding his treatment of me didn't excuse that fact. I admitted, though, that I knew what it was like to be unable to commit to a relationship, ultimately stringing someone along and hurting them in the end, and that I had struggled to forgive myself for my behaviour. I told him that I now aspire to the quote "let no one ever come to you without leaving happier". I said that I did believe that he was a good person, and that he had gone through a very bad time. Obviously the email was a bit longer and more detailed, but the gist was that yeah, he was a jerk, but I'm not perfect, I've made peace with the past, I've learned from it and because of it I'm trying to be a better, more empathetic person.
He replied that my email was quite "thought provoking". He seemed miffed. I realize that perhaps one of the characteristics about me that he enjoyed in the spring was my inability to stand up for myself. I had some self esteem issues. I still do, but they're a lot better. I pushed back in that email. I think he was of the impression that he could come back, tell me he had his life sorted, refer to himself as a heel, buy me a couple of glasses of wine and all would be good. And maybe if had sincerely apologized and taken responsibility for his actions towards me instead of blaming it on his circumstances, and had indicated that he had learned from his errors it would all be good. But he still has some learning to do.
This morning I did not get my daily "good morning" email. I think I have offended him. Wow, I wonder what would happen if I just, I don' t know, dated him for a month and then just left the country arbitrarily.
In other news that matters: saw the Hip last night with Michael! Had the best time. They put on a great show, the music was fantastic. I'm so glad I went. Gord Downie has quite a dramatic on-stage personality. They played hard and loud and it was awesome! It was good to spend time with Michael (as always). I think he enjoyed it too.
On the way home I stopped off at the7/11 for a drumstick. I have lived here for 6 years and I have never been inside that 7/11 that I recall. I don't think that the fact that GM Place was essentially entirely hotboxed had anything to do with my 11:30pm ice cream purchase. Not at all.
posted by Duder at 9:31 AM
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